I walked into a store and asked them if I could order a pair of slippers because what they had in stock were all too small for me. I said that I was as broad as I was long.

The sales assistants all belted out laughing.

Excuse Me - I AM TALKING ABOUT MY FEET!!!

(PSSST: Don't tell the BBC, but their brand of humour should be called DEAD AT THE APOLLO and not LIVE AT THE APOLLO)